As we all know....(much to their dismay) Portland and San Fran are the mecca for Hipsterism.
I was pondering why???? I mean it's not very obscure of them to all gather in one place where they don't stick out of the norm, and where *everyone* in said place has heard of and has the vinyl of that little underground band that sprouted up last week at the coffee shop poetry reading. I mean *gasp* someone else probably is even wearing that same 4 sizes too small ironic tee shirt
*AT THE EXACT SAME MOMENT YOU ARE*
Speaking of Hipsters and their hangouts... I went to Starbucks this weekend (I know, I know... what was I thinking???
Not clearly I assure you, as it *was* 8am on a Saturday and I had not had a single drop of caffeine to course through my bloodstream) So, in my fiendish state I was lulled by a short line and the promise of flavored coffees.
Now let me backtrack a few months so you are fully able to grasp the "What I ordered, What I got, and Where the hell it went wrong" concept of my experience. Around Christmas, the season of gift cards, I usually come into a few Starbucks bucks...some I regift (don't judge me, there are those amongst us who squeal with glee at the prospect of paying 5 bucks for a cup'o'joe {who the hell is Joe???} but I usually keep one for myself and go with the rest of the office crew on a blustery 70 degree Hawaiian afternoon like geese flocking to warm weather. This past holiday, I took my place in the V formation and made the trek across the street to one of the 3 Starbucks on the block.
I ordered a Venti...(what you think I am not going to use the full value of the gift card and have to make that trek more than once????? Fools!) "Chocolate Candy Cane". I was pleasantly surprised at it's fantasticalness. The nice older (damn recession, probably laid off and forced to work with the bean minions...she was clearly too educated and competent) told me I could in fact order my new found wonderful mouth orgy in a cup all year round. Whaaaaaa??? The hell you say, tell me more. I was instructed to simply order a White Chocolate Mocha with a shot of peppermint, and off I scampered damn near joyously into the wilds of the corporate jungle.
This brings me to Saturday...I walk into aforementioned coffee hell house, I march confidently up to the order taking member of the caffeine chain and place my order " I will have a venti iced ( Rolemodels flashes through my head..."stupid in 2 languages") white chocolate mocha with a shot of peppermint *and* an extra shot of espresso" <- what I ordered....That may be the first error in communication, I can't be sure at this point. I pay for my nectar, give my name for the order, and proceed to the pick up zone.
What I got -> "Anne" Rapture, it's ready...cue salivatory glands!
I see only one cup on the platform...it is a Venti, full of ice, 2/3 full of coffeeish looking liquid...I approach with caution. "um, excuse me (we all know the dangers of pissing off a barista) um is this for Anne"? " yea" "oh, ummmmm" I gingerly take a sip.....Retched vomit of demons!!!
This is terrible!!!! This is no where close to the tasty treat experienced during the holidays! I place the container of doom back on the platform and have a brief moment of eye contact (a dangerous maneuver I am aware, use this one sparingly) "um, mam this is not so good, I think it needs more coffee" (in my head " ya know to *fill* the cup and whatnot, as far as I know, no lack of sleep or energy drug has ever caused me to want a giant plastic partially recyclable cup and only half full of liquid
...it seems a bit unnecessary) Barista" you want me remake it" *while throwing it away before I can answer* Me "just more coffee would have been fine"
What I got Part Duex -> I stand back in the appropriate corner, head down as is the proper pose whilst waiting to receive ones order...*try to look bored self,, they'll know you don't fit in if you don't* " Anne" Ah ha! It's ready *again*... I proceed to coffee altar,fully prepared to be rewarded with my fix... again one lone venti cup, filled with ice, and 1/3 full of brown liquid. *eyebrow raises* "Really"???? By now if we don't get on the road, we will be late, so I hastily add some half and half, and run out the door...reminding myself and others why Starbuck is overrated and a waste of space.
I take a sip of the coffee/ bile extract... my nose begins to burn, eyes water, but my breath is completely freshened!
Holy Mentos Batman, it's pure mouthwash. It was then I noticed a complete separation between the ingredients in the cup. the half and half was floating on a layer of clear liquid, I will for the sake of my fragile mind assume to be the peppermint syrup, and below that a brown sludge like layer was forming with a sort of sediment swirling about. That can't be good...better shake it up and take another swallow....the lengths an addict will go to for a fix right??? *shake shake shake* *swallow* nope no different...*shake shake shake* maybe some of the ice will melt and help this whole process along...*shake shake shake* My pretty pretty princesses.....it's like licking Santa's ass!!! I can't go on....world growing fuzzy
....*shake shake shake* "no Santa, I don't want any of your artic salad...nooooooooo!!!
I still don't know what went wrong, and my stomach has hurt since...but I must say, I have remained minty fresh for the past 2 days....
