Tonight while I was innocently trying to compliment a friend's wedding photo (and also justify tagging myself in it...right at the part where I was explaining why it totally wasn't awkward because I was really there and stuff) my smart phone autocorrected "gorgeous shot" to "gorgeous shit". Naturally this went unnoticed by me until after the comment had been posted. (Then I had to retract the awkward stuff because suddenly shit got awkward or gorgeous depending on who was reading the comment I suppose)I have no idea why my phone wishes to jump in at inconvenient times and ruin (or add to) conversations... I mean it's not like I don't say weirdly amazing awful random what-the-fuck did-she-really-just stuff all the damn time. I often tell people (usually while I am apologizing and helping them look for the bottom half of their jaws) that I don't like to think about what I say before I say it...I like to be just as surprised as everyone else at what comes out of my mouth. (This theory also must apply to my eating habits, because I swear sometimes I throw-up and have to really marvel at the contents before I flush them, or make Wade scoop them out of the sink, because I genuinely don't remember eating anything that looked like that.,,Also, to clarify I don't throw up often, just after I've had bad sushi or mixed rum with tequila...those two *do not* get along in close quarters...no matter what anyone tells you, they don't. Wade has banned certain things from consumption for everyone's saftey and mental health... apparently it's mentally scarring to get up in the morning to brush your teeth and find a sink full of vomit.)
It was mid-terms, and honestly who hasn't lost their mind during intensive batteries of tests (I mean they *are* called batteries...as in to batter or assault. (not like cake, let's face it, no one would dread tests if they were cake,we'd eat them and get fat(ter) ) Essentially tests are assaults of our short term memory... anyway, I'm rambling (more so than usual)..so, I was surprised to see that one of my professors required the test to be taken in pencil. (of which I had none...because I hate erasing, and have a fear of falling eyeball first onto the point of a #2 lead pencil..that is another story for a much drunker time) So I did what anyone would do...text a friend and ask to borrow one. Here's what I typed: "Hey, do you have a pencil I can borrow for a couple hours?" Here's what smartdumb phone decided I meant to write: "Hey, do you have a penis I can borrow for a couple hours?". Naturally, my friend was hanging out with his girlfriend who saw the text and found it to be an odd request.
Of course there were the usual questions one expects when asking to borrow something...How long do you need it for? What are you going to use it for? Except this time there were added concerns...Will you clean it up before you return it? You aren't going to use it on an animal are you? (I study science...we have dissection labs...do you really want a visual here?) All of these were followed by the polite explanation that I might want to brush up on my anatomy lessons...my friend patiently reminded me that if I was indeed going to use his penis for a couple of hours he was going to have to be with it...due to attachment issues (I know right..guys are *way* to attached to their pants sausage) and also his girlfriend was not super happy about lending it out, even if I promised to wash it before returning it. (Please note though that the first response was not an emphatic NO...I have awesome, possibly stupid friends) (Also, I tried explaining to her I was in no way referring to her boyfriend's junk as any sort of pencil dick...this made things infinitely more awkward...we dropped the subject)So since smart phones supposedly learn from our daily vocabulary, I am not sure what this actually says about me or my phone. Although on a *Hell yea* kind of note, my phone will autofill "Awetastafuckamazing and fuckweasel" with only the first three letters typed in...we are still working on douchecanoe...I know such a simple term right?
And so tonight I complimented my friend's wedding photo by calling it a gorgeous shit... for all the world to see. Because really who doesn't want their marital photos to be classified as pretty poop or fabulous fecal matter??? Thank you smartdumb phone...you *do* know me all too well!
*This post not written on aforementioned smartdumb phone...for obvious reasons
